April 20th 2k16

I’ve been watching more films, less tv. 

 

When I watch Netflix, I tune in and out. I know things will come back around and repeat themselves. Episodic formats lull me into a sense of security and I know if I miss something, I can skip back and re-watch, or I can wait for the recap at the beginning of the next episode. I stick it on as background noise for when I’m doing my make-up in the morning, when I’m making dinner, eating my lunch. I watched the new season of House of Cards in like, a week, but i can’t remember half of what happened because I was busy doing my eyebrows. 

 

Because things are on-demand, I can fall back. I don’t feel the pressure of having to be present.

 

When I go to the cinema, I am engaged, ready to receive narrative. I am prepared to feel things the way other people want me to feel things. I want to be absorbed in a narrative, and suspend my disbelief and fully immerse myself in a thing, a series of feelings that I feel as real, factual things, regardless of whether they are a story or not. I want to FEEL things NOW. I am ready and open like a freshly picked scab, still red and raw, bleeding but receptive. 

 

Galleries feel like Netflix and chill. Looking at things on a wall feels more passive, like watching the view from a bus window. I want someone to grab me by the eyeballs and say “LISTEN HERE PUNK…” I need someone to be ready to make me feel things the way they want me to feel them. My star sign is Cancer, I have a Sagittarius rising; I am inherently equipped to empathise, to feel things as others feel them. Not in a parasitic way, but in a solid way.

 

That’s what the 2 Liv’s gave me, both in completely opposite ways. 

I don’t want to talk about one Liv's performance separate from the other Liv’s performance, because it wasn’t like that. They spread out into each other. They held each other’s hands, they were like 2 ppl sitting on a 1 seat sofa. (I’m bad at similes at the moment. Pls bear with.)

 

I feel like I can’t fully describe what I felt because it completely belonged to someone else. But I felt something in my stomach, I think it was guilt. Or similar to that feeling when you feel guilty and it kind of hurts, but you don’t know why that happens. 

But it was just what I needed at the moment I needed it. 

To feel deeply and completely in that way was a gift. 

And I concur - let that frame what I say next - cause first I gotta describe and fill you in ‘case you weren’t there. 

 

Liv Fontaine and Liv Wynter took turns performing before a costume change, after which they sat down with Sara Sassanelli who asked them about working, artWORK, making money, how to literally survive, u kno. And both chapters of the night were candid, belligerent (exactly what I need), and I loved it. How Liv Wynter was mourning and calling out, telling stories/ how Liv Fontaine was scaring the shit out of me lol. Rapt by her authority, I wanted to look at Zarina for support like when a teacher is shouting at you cause u done something stupid but I couldn’t actually look away. I didn’t even get my phone out to take a picture which is saying something - had 2 rob one from a braver friend.

 

And I have to say, what struck me about both performers, even in front of their content, was how well they actually performed. Confidence is an assumption but god I’ve been to so many performances recently with shaky hands shaking A4 paper high up in front of their faces - and while I TOTAlly sympathise, it is nonetheless horrible for an audience. Liv and Liv should pat themselves on the back for just being good.

 

And and and I really loved that we saw them perform, that we felt their presence and fear, that we were held —— and then ten minutes later they were sitting with Sara and talking plainly in their real life voices in panel-talk clothes. One channel/two modes, a reality check that was generous, I thought, and comfortable and right - the glittery ‘BUY ONE GET ONE FREE’ t-shirt Liv Fontaine had worn during the performance segment came true, bang for the buck.

 

I want to finish by thanking the artists for the talk about money. It was reactive and rigorous and it confirmed my own little inklings; it made clear how we need to look out for one another, specifically how we need to share. We need to give each other a leg up/and a chin up in those moments we feel our instability. We joke about The White Pube Art Dates as this cute scheme but it has materialised into strong friendships, alliances in which we have been able to trust each other enough to collaborate meaningfully - beyond CV credit. I joke-tweeted about making a Facebook group in which my friends and their friends can share art ingredients. I recently needed a bee costume and a video camera, for example, and right now Zarina and I are looking for a PA system. But we should avoid buying more and more products if we can lean on our friends instead! And like, Liv Wynter said it, I’ll paraphrase here, if you are offered an ‘opportunity’ you think your friend would meet better than you would, give it to them! Don’t be a secretive hoe. Raise each other up. It is healthy and lovely and tbh that’s the world I wanna live in. So thanks Liv n Liv i love you both. LETs b frends.